I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
won’t smith
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.