[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
You Might Also Like
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
my mind
You just read my mind
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
do what now??
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up