Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Who chose this font
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*