This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Good morning, Twitter x
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
How funny!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?