Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Look Ma, no handle on things

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.