I’m a self-made hundredaire
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It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Is….Is this an option?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.