I’m a self-made hundredaire
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
the duality of man
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?