can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
just gave your address to some spiders
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type