Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates