The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
You Might Also Like
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
No. YOU-buprofen.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now