Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.