Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

Don’t forget to tip your server

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

When you put it that way… 😂

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.