Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Perfect

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?