If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me