Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I identify as an antique shop.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?