Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

💀

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

I’m having an out of money experience.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

I’m being attacked 😭

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”