Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.