Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

Cool shirt 🙂

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

ㅤ

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

Heroic Misunderstanding

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.