Does this dress make me look cat?
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
we’re dead?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying