Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
You Might Also Like
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
journal
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.