The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you