Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.