all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”