Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

OMG 🤣🤣

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking