my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
spot the difference
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.