Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

just left a huge legacy in there

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

Love this one 😂🧟

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this