I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.