I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
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People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
True statement👍😏😁
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My first son he is wonderful
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.