Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell