Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
And now we wait
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no