I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Monday Lisa
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.