Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

More like Kate Missington.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

you could not pay me to delete this app

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

My life in a nutshell

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.