Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn