Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

Mornin

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?