Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado