Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

a fate I wish upon no one

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience