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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop