Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I hope this email finds you in a well
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
happy halloween
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!