Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…