Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

If you had more money you’d be happier.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

My loaf of bread looks terrified

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

selena gomez

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR