My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝