I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*