Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

Is this the real life?
Is this just

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.