people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
an airline just for babies.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.