just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right