just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane