friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.