Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot