Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mad Max: Furry Road

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?