I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen