Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”