Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?