I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
dam girl
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
classic mixup
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.